


i thought that you were straight, now i'm wondering

by darylvdixon, lazl (bravegentlestrong)



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Big Brother AU, Crack, Idiots in Love, M/M, Reality TV, fake exes au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-11-09 14:01:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11106057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darylvdixon/pseuds/darylvdixon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/bravegentlestrong/pseuds/lazl
Summary: In which Theon Greyjoy confirms to the world that he fucked Robb Stark on live TV. No, he did not fuck Robb Stark. Yes, he wants to.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> fic title from 'the sound' by the 1975.
> 
> kingsnow/lizzie is gonna write the theon pov chapters, and chloe/olivermellors is gonna write robb povchapters... alternating.
> 
> for the record, lizzie has never watched big brother, nor has she read the wikipedia article on the topic, and is just kind of assuming what it is based on cultural knowledge she has picked up over the years.

Theon is _killing it_. Never has he been happier. Sure, he’s slumming it on _Big Brother_ after having his own show for years, ever since he accidentally-on-purpose leaked his own sex tape. But the ratings hadn’t been as good as they’d once been, and it was nice to get the same level of attention and validation he got during the peak seasons of _Keeping Up With The Krakens_ once again.

 

On his way to the confession booth, his producer – he’d neglected to commit her name to memory – catches him by the arm.

 

“You’re tanking.”

 

“What?” Theon asks, clenching the can of beer he’d been holding in his hand.

 

“People hate you.”

 

Theon narrowed his eyes. He hated _her_. She had the face and personality of an elderly librarian. And not in a hot, porn way, either. He didn’t do cougars.

 

“No they don’t, I’m the most beloved person on this show.” Theon scoffed. He was far too famous for this shit. He’s a _Greyjoy_ , for fuck’s sake!

 

“No, they hate you. You keep causing drama for no reason.”

 

“I have my reasons,” he spits out. His fans would agree. They always did. There was a reason that _he_ was a beloved internet meme and nobody cared about his fellow contestants.

 

His producer then nods, her grandmotherly face softening. “I want you to be the fan favorite again. Everyone was rooting for you. I’m rooting for you.”

 

Theon pauses. She _did_ technically work for him, and she had been very helpful, what with constantly refilling his drinks and telling him when people were talking to shit. “What should I do?”

 

“We just need to make other people look bad,” she says, “you know, so you look better.”

 

Theon nodded. This _was_ a strategy he’d been using since elementary school. When had he ever had a problem with it in the past? “I can do that.” Even though he didn’t like this woman, he did feel good when she smiled enthusiastically.

 

“You have chemistry with the handsome one.”

 

“ _I’m_ the handsome one.”

 

“Right,” his producercorrects herself. “ _Of_ course. The other handsome one, I mean. Robb Stark.”

 

Okay, she had a point. Robb _was_ rather good looking. In a traditional, obvious kind of way. _Not_ that Theon had noticed, _or_ cared. “What do you mean by chemistry?” he asks.

 

“Well I know you can’t read them, but the blogs are all saying it seems like you’re about to make out. It trended on twitter.”

 

Theon had kind of felt something in the air when he’d raged at him about the dishes last night. His viewers were smart. Robb Stark probably did want to kiss him. Who didn’t? “So you want me to kiss him? I can do that. Or do I have to seduce him –”

 

“No, of course not – of course I’m not going to make you do that. It’s much simpler. We’ll just tell everyone you already did. You used to date, and that’s why you hate him.”

 

“So I’m gay now?” Theon asks, incredulous. He was the straightest person in the entire seven kingdoms. He’d probably slept with more girls than the rest of the nerds on this show _combined_.

 

“Well, you could be bi? Maybe… fluid?” his producer says with a shrug.

 

“I suppose coming out would be good publicity. And it would be good for the gays, to have me and my brand on their side.”

 

“It could have just been a casual thing, a youthful flirtation,” the producer suggests.

 

“Fine, yeah, I can be gay now,” he says. “I can totally do that for you. Make that sacrifice. For the show.”

 

“… right…”

 

Theon nodded, “I’ll do anything for the show. I’m a team player.”

 

“Okay, well, I’ll bring this to Robb. Thanks for your enthusiasm.”

 

Theon smiled at his producer. “Thanks… you.”

 

“It’s Olenna,” she reminded him.

 

Theon didn’t respond. Mainly because he didn’t care, but also because he didn’t know what to say. He slipped into the confession booth. People wanted a gay romance? They wanted him to be gay? Theon would win a motherfucking Oscar for his portrayal of a closeted gay man, once he revealed it was all a ploy. And if he had to kiss Robb Stark to sell it? Or hold his hand? Well, nobody said fame didn’t have it’s price.  

 

Theon looked dead into the camera and jutted out his chin. “It’s true. I fucked Robb Stark.”


	2. Chapter 2

Sure, Robb Stark was technically bi. He’d kissed boys before and even had a crush on one of his class mates back in high school, _but no one knew about it!_

So when the old woman (Olenna…He was sure) came up with the idea of pretending to be Theon’s ex…No, no chance. Not going to happen.

He _hated_ the guy! He hated him from when his sister watched that stupid kraken show and he hated him even more in person! He was annoying, egotistical and down right fucking rude.

Only Robb didn’t get a choice, by the time he had made it to the confession booth Theon had already divulged their ‘dirty little secret’ to the world. Robb was going to deny it, but then he came up with an even better idea.

Theon wanted to pull this stunt for publicity? Fine, Robb would give him publicity, but not necessarily the kind Theon wanted.

Robb sits down in the plush black chair in the confession room, taking a deep breath as he looks over to the camera. “So, Theon’s told you our secret.” He begins, “I’m here to say…Yes, we dated. I had to break up with him when he started bringing stray cats home. Fleas everywhere, it was disgusting. I think he still has them.” Robb nods with a solemn look and sighs once more, “I think he took it a little hard.”

Robb leaves the room with a smirk, if Theon thought Robb was just going to bow down to him he had another thing coming. He hated the guy and he had no problems in embarrassing him in front of the world.

He picked the wrong fake ex this time.

Robb entered back into the house and made his way outside to the smoking area, ignoring Theon who was hanging around the kitchen area, probably looking for more beer. Maybe Robb should hide it all when he’s gone to bed.

He sits down beside Jaime, lighting up his cigarette and deciding if Theon wanted to play this game then he would get his side across to as many people as he could first.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Robb leans towards Jaime as he speaks, watching Theon walk outside and to the opposite smoking side.

“As long as you don’t expect me to keep it a secret then go ahead.” Jaime replies honestly with a smile.

“Oh, you can tell as many people as you like,” Robb grins, “Me and Theon used to date.” He nods towards Theon, chuckling as Jaime raised a brow, “Yeah. He wasn’t very good in bed. He’s a crier.”

Jaime laughs loudly causing Theon to glare over at them, Theon didn’t like Jaime but it’s safe to say he didn’t really like anyone that wasn’t him or his reflection. Robb wouldn’t even say he was that good looking honestly.

Definitely not the type of guy he would really go for.

“What’re you laughing so much about?” Theon asks from across the garden, he didn’t like when people had jokes that didn’t include him, he felt the need to be a part of _everything_. It was extremely annoying.

“We’re talking about you, not to you Greyjoy.” Robb shouts back with a smirk.

Theon glares again and crosses his arms, turning away from them to finish his cigarette in a sulk. God he was such a child. It was like sharing a house with a five year old that could drink, which only made him extra irritating.

Robb noticed Theon kept glancing over and knew as soon as he left he would be over here asking Jaime what he’d said, so he got up and gave him the opportunity to do so. Yes, he would be having fun with this.


	3. Chapter 3

After everything Robb put him through, Theon felt the need to retreat to the confession booth. It was nice to have somebody who would just listen to your pain and not interrupt you. Nicer still that it was five million people.

“I need to address the rumours around the house. I suppose it’s inevitable my private life would become the centre of everyone’s attention. The rest of them have very small lives, not much to talk about…” he holds up his hands in an exaggerated shrug. 

“Yes, I did cry during sex. But you would too.  _My best friend had just died_ ,” Theon tries to channel his inner pain, thinking back to when his best friend really had died. His very first pet, Sea Bitch, the goldfish he’d raised  _since her infancy_  and watched mature, only to be killed when Asha forgot to feed her on Theon’s study abroad. She hadn’t even told him. He’d come back from Paris ten pounds heavier from all of the carbs, only to find Sea Bitch belly up in her tank. Theon had never truly recovered from that slight.

“That he’s bringing it up now is a new low, but he’ll do anything to make me look bad.” Theon composes himself, and then furrowes his brow, as if he was thinking of something for the very first time.  

“He’s still in love with me,” Theon sighs. “I suppose I’m the one that got away. That’s why he feels this irrational need to talk shit with Jaime. It’s truly pathetic. He was stalking me for a bit. That’s probably why he came on the show, to win me back, you know? But I’m not stupid enough to fall for that. Tens don’t stay with eights for long. Not when there are other tens out there.”

Outside the confession booth, Ygritte was leaning against the wall eating an apple.

“You spend a lot of time in there,” Ygritte notes.

Theon scowls. “What’s it to you?”

“Just seems like you’re avoiding Stark.”

“Of course I am. The only reason he auditioned for this hell show was to get near me. I’m pretty important in the real world, you know. I have bodyguards to protect me from his obsession.”

Ygritte rolls her eyes, “anyway, I just wanted to get in there for once, is all. Didn’t really need to talk to you.”

“Whatever,” Theon says, leaving the room and heading up the stairs to his bedroom.

On the landing, the door to Robb’s room was slightly ajar. Theon’s pace slowes as he glanced inside Robb’s room, just to see if he was up to something. Theon’s breath catches in his throat. Robb was pulling off his shirt, the muscles in his back tightening as he stretched. When his shirt falls to the floor, Robb unzips his tight, ass-accentuating jeans.

Then he hears Margaery Tyrell’s incessant giggle. “You are a big boy, aren’t you?”

What sort of perverts were these people? Having sex with the door open, for everyone to see? The innocent viewers of the livestream? People didn't watch Big Brother for this! What about the #throbb shippers? He imagines that’s what they called themselves, and he’s willing to bet that the vast majority of them were hoping for a kiss, or for Theon to take him back, or at least for a blowjob… none of thi this hetero nonsense. Theon didn’t come out of the closet for this!!

“Close the door, assholes!” Theon shouts into the room, hands on his hips, “some of us might want to go to bed, not listen to this bullshit!”

Robb spins around, and for a split second Theon’s eyes linger on his cock, but then he pointedly looks at the ceiling. “Are you some kind of voyeur?”

“No,” Theon grumbled, because yeah, _maybe he was_ , but this show was about friendship not kinkshaming. “I just thought this season we were being really classy. There hasn’t been any nudity yet.”

Robb’s brow furrows, “dude, you passed out naked in your own vomit the first night.”

Low blow. “That was different. That was fun for everyone. This… this…” Theon gestured vaguely into the room, “this is different. This is a passive aggressive fuck. You’re using her to get back at me, and she doesn’t even know.”

Magaery laughs and calls out from out of sight, “oh, I know.”

At the same time Robb says, “not everything’s about you.”

“The viewers don’t want to see this, Stark,” Theon scolds. “They expect better. Even from you. Now, I’m going to bed. Try to do your pathetic revenge fuck a little quieter.” With that he turned and left.

“ _I will_ ,” Robb yelled after him.

Robb slams his bedroom door.

Theon slams his bedroom door harder.


	4. Chapter 4

Theon always had to ruin _everything_. Even last night with Margaery when he was supposed to be having fun he barged in and just _had to comment._ Even after he had left Robb couldn’t help thinking about him, he was so annoyed and even Margaery noticed. She told him not to let Theon get to him _but he couldn’t help it! He was there all the time with his incessant big headedness and annoyingness._

Honestly Robb would strangle him but knowing Greyjoy’s twisted mind he’d probably enjoy it. It’s not like he could even avoid him, he just popped up everywhere like an annoying rash.

“Stark.” Ygritte smiles as he passes her in the living room, “I hear you’re on the show to continue stalking Greyjoy and win him back. Can’t see _why_ anyone would want him back. Or want him in the first place. I found him drawing dicks on the steam on the mirror in the bathroom yesterday.” She shakes her head.

Robb frowns and carries on outside, oh, so Theon wants to tell people he’s stalking him now? No one in their right mind would want to stalk Theon, even spending five minutes in his presence was enough to make someone want to bury themselves. But if a stalker is what Theon wants then a stalker is what he will get.

Robb attended a couple drama classes when he was 11, you could say he was somewhat of a pro. At least he liked to think so. He would be _so annoying_ that Greyjoy will call this whole thing off, and maybe even leave.

Outside Robb’s usual smoking spot was empty, but the one across the garden was occupied by Theon, so of course being the ‘stalker’ he is, he went to sit by him. Theon furrows his brows when Robb sits beside him, flicking the ash from his cigarette in his direction.

“What do you want, Stark?” Greyjoy sneers with an annoyed look.

“Oh, y’know.” Robb shrugs and pulls his cigarettes out, “I just couldn’t stand not being close to you for five minutes.” he sighs and lights up, taking a long drag, “It’s just killing me not being near you! Not getting to touch your greasy hair and smell your musky old people clothing smell.”

Theon huffs, again flicking his ash in Robb’s direction. _Petty_. “I don’t know what you’re playing at Stark but you better fuck off. You don’t want to make me angry.”

“I just can’t hold back anymore.” Robb sighs and suddenly grabs his arm, “I have to be near you again!”

Theon jumps up and shakes Robb off his arm with a half disgusted half confused look on his face, “Go back to your stupid girlfriend.” He spits and turns to storm off.

“But I don't love her! I love you!” Robb grins as Theon walks off, picking up the cigarette packet he’d left behind and sliding it into his pocket.

Yes, that was believable. Gods why Robb didn’t become an actor he didn’t know, _he’d be winning oscars right now._ He decided to go to the confession booth.

Once inside and sitting on the comfy chair Robb lets out a sigh and shakes his head, “Theon wanted a stalker. So I became his stalker and now he’s mad at me! I just don’t get it.” He mumbles, “He’s such high maintenance and a diva, like Beyonce only without the fame, and the fans…and the talent.” Robb chews his lower lip lightly as he leans back.

“I’m not really still in love with him, but I think he needed to hear that.” he nods solemnly, “I’m with Margaery now. He really needs to get over me already. I can’t help it that I was the best he ever had.”

When he returned to the house Theon was sat in the living room, Robb smiled and waved over at him and Theon glared in return. If this was a cartoon Robb was sure he’d have a red face and steam coming from his ears, _now that would be a picture._

He thinks he’s found a new hobby in this place. He’s suddenly starting to realise maybe why Theon was always so annoying. _It’s fun!_ Especially when it’s Theon he’s annoying, god that boy could dish it out but he really couldn’t take it very well.


	5. Chapter 5

“Come in!” Theon calls when there’s a knock on his door.

 

Nobody has ever knocked on his door before. Asha and his dad would just burst in at home (always, it seemed, mid-wank), and nobody had ever tried to visit him on the show before. He assumed it would be Robb, but it was Jon Snow instead.

 

“Do you need something?” Theon asks, sighing in disappointment. “I’m watching House Hunters International, so I’m kind of in the middle of something,” he said, pointing to his iPad.

 

“Oh,” Jon says, “nevermind then, I’ll come back later.”

 

As Jon turns to leave Theon changes his mind, “you know, don’t worry about it. I can watch this any time. I have it all downloaded,” he clears his throat, “what did you need?”

 

“Just thought you might want to talk about relationships or something,” Jon says. He looks so awkward there in the doorway that Theon wants to cringe from secondhand embarrassment. That’s how he always feels when he so much as catches a glimpse of Snow in the corner of his eye.

 

“You can come in a little further, you know. I’m not going to hurt you.” Jon nods and sits on the chair across from the bed Theon is sprawled across.

 

“So, how can I help you? Did you and Brienne break up?”

 

“I’m dating Ygritte.” “Right, right, right. And how’s that going?” Theon was kind of flattered that Jon was coming to him for advice. Jon was kind of a disaster, and Theon was famous. People tweeted him for advice all the time in the real world. If he hadn’t been a celebrity, he’d probably be a therapist. It wasn’t that he particularly cared for the weak, he just knew he could solve all of their problems better than they ever could.

 

“It’s fine, I think, anyway. That’s not the concern. I wanted to see if you were okay, coming out of the closet and all. It’s been a pretty rough few days for you,” Jon’s pathetic puppydog eyes express so much concern Theon can't help but roll his eyes.

 

“I’m fine. I’m very comfortable with who I am, thanks.” Jon bites on his lip and Theon sighs, loudly and exaggerated, “if you have something to say, Snow, you can just spit it out.”

 

“You do everything for attention,” Theon opens his mouth to protest, but Jon continues, “but this isn’t for attention. You have a thing for Robb, and he’s sleeping with somebody else, and you’re not okay. You’ve shut yourself away alone in here and done nothing but watch HGTV for days.”

 

“I don’t do things for attention, you bastard! I can’t help it that people give me attention -- I’m interesting!” Theon has never been more insulted in his entire life. Who does Jon think he is? He’s just some random they casted for filler, basically an extra. Theon was a star. “I’m not a liar, either.”

 

“I’m Robb’s brother… so… I know you didn’t fuck him.”

 

“Maybe he didn’t tell you.”

 

“He tells me everything.”

 

“You don’t know that. Everyone has secrets. Besides, internalized homophobia’s a bitch and we all know Robb suffers from plenty of that. Just ask the Tyrell girl.”

 

“Robb was president of the Gay-Straight alliance at our school.”

 

Theon pauses for a moment, inspecting Jon’s face, “was he in the gay part or the straight part?” “

 

The straight part,” Jon replies earnestly.

 

“Oh… well, same. I mean, no, I wasn’t in any sort of Gay-Straight alliance, I was too busy being on tv, you know, to really think about my sexuality…”

 

Fuck. Jon Snow may need a haircut and a shave, he may be the most boring person in the house, but he was right. Or at least, he’d pushed Theon to the right conclusion. It was a little much to give that weirdo credit for anything.

 

“I have to go,” Theon says, not looking back as he makes his way into the hallway and to Robb Stark’s door. Why not? Fuck it. He could take a chance on love, couldn’t he? Or at least sex. Theon knocks on Robb’s door and waits, hyperaware of his heart beating in his chest. 


	6. Chapter 6

Robb had spent most of his day in his room with a killer headache feeling sorry for himself, so when the knock came at his door his first thought was to ignore it. He grabbed the nearest pillow and covered his face with it, hoping above all that whoever it was would just fuck off. But of course he was never that lucky and another knock came. 

"Urg, what?!" He groaned out, throwing the pillow down in a tantrum as he sits up.

His annoyance grew tenfold when he saw who was talking into his bedroom.

"What do you want?" He asks irritated when Theon closed the door behind him and strolled into his room like he owned the place.

"I just thought I'd give you what you wanted." Theon shrugs as he sits on the edge of his bed facing him.

Robb rolled his eyes, "look, I have a headache could you stop with the crypticness and just tell me what you want?"

Theon sighs and leans back on one elbow, "it isn't about what I want, stark. It's about what you want." Theon stared at him for a moment then let out another sigh at robbs blank look, "I'll make this plain. You have an erection, I have a mouth, it really is that simple."

Robb started at him blankly for a moment, his eyes quickly darting down to his crotch then back to Theon, "I don't have an erection." He states.

"Not yet! But now I know you're thinking about it!" Theon sits up quickly, "come on, it's what the public want to see! Just do it for the cameras!" He grabbed robbs thighs and Robb quickly edged further up the bed.

"There are no cameras in my room Theon!" He frowns as he shoves his hands away, "and I don't want your mouth around my cock!"

"Why not? There's nothing wrong with my mouth, what do you have against blowjobs?" Theon huffs and crawls up the bed to straddle robbs hips, "this was inevitable Robb, all this sexual tension someone had to break it, looks like it has to be me!"

"Theon I really have no idea what you're talking about, I'm not even gay!" Robb stops struggling under the boys weight and instead crosses his arms over his chest with a huff.

Theon rolls his eyes, "well no, neither am I! This is just two friends having some fun!"

"We aren't friends! And if you're not gay then why do you want to suck my dick?" Robb raised an accusing brow.

Theon shrugs, "I just want to know what it feels like." He states, "would you deny me that knowledge?"

"Um, yes, I would." Robb nods and wiggles beneath him, "besides, I have a headache, go away."

"Orgasms get rid of headaches! It'll be helpful for both of us!" Theons hand dives between them and grabs robbs cock through his pants making him jump up.

"Theon! Stop that! Have you lost your mind?!" Robb wasn't entirely sure why he was declining a blowjob. Probably because it was from Theon.

"Come on Robb, what's a blowjob between pals?" Theon doesn't let go of robbs half hard cock as he looks up at him with wide eyes, "I'm probably really good at it too."

Robb stares at him for a moment before sighing, "fine, whatever. But if you're shit I'm kicking you out." Robb warns him.

Theon grins and shimmies down robbs legs tugging on robbs pants as he went, "I'm telling you, I'll be amazing! I am at everything else so why not this too?" 

Robb rolls his eyes, entirely ready for the worst blow job he would ever receive.


End file.
